WILL THIS POST LOCKDOWN LOW LEVEL ANXIETY EVER REALLY GO AWAY?

 Well the day finally came, the first of August and I was packed up and ready to leave the safe motorhome site I had been staying on since the start of Lockdown, in Lancashire. 

The night befor the couple from the other lockdown motorhome, Steve and Helen, Catherine from the caravan and Kevin and his son Patrick from the transit van motorhome, who we now nicknamed, 'The Lockdown Crew' got together, at a safe distance, for a BBQ, kindly put on by the owners of the site, Sarah and Roger and their children, who have become lifelong friends after spending so much time with them during lockdown. It was a great way to say our goodbyes and to reflect on what life had been like for us all during the five months of lockdown and how we all supported one another through good and bad times. 

I admit as I prepared to drive off the site I was feeling so anxious about what life was going to be like. I had bottles of hand sanitiser and wet wipes in all my bags and in the front of the motorhome, so I could grab them at a moments notice and masks and gloves. I felt prepared. If I am honest I should have set off a couple of weeks beforehand, after the family had been for our mini Glastonbury festival. But I put it off and decided to wait a couple of weeks so things would settle down and I could also see if there would be a second lockdown once people had started moving about.

So I did not have to jump in at the deep end I headed for my brother Paddy's house in Lincolnshire and parked on their driveway.  He had arranged with my other sister Liz to make a quick trip for three days to see my brother Paul who lives in Heidelberg and they persuaded me to join them.

We stayed safe in our vehicles on the train in Eurotunnel and my sister-in-law, Lorraine packed all the food and drink we would require on the journey.  When we stopped at service stations we were in and out with masks and sanitiser and straight back to the car. It took ten hours door to door but it was worth it so that as siblings we could hang out together for the first time since my mothers funeral last year. And since my niece Laura, Paddy's daughter, died in March this year at 33 from cancer.  We talked, cried, laughed and ate and drank a lot. It was what we all needed before the ten hour drive back home again. 

I also felt I got strength from being with my brothers and sister and looked forward to taking to the roads again in my motorhome.

I used to work at BBC Radio Humberside so I decided to cross the beautiful Humber Bridge from Lincolnshire and head to see my friends for a catchup at a safe distance. I had booked a site but one of my friends Gillie insisted that I park my motorhome in her front garden. When I rocked up she did admit she did not realise just how big the motorhome was going to be but all the same I got a warm welcome. "Come and relax with me" she said ...not mentioning that she would drag me to her personal training session, gym workout, yoga, bike ride and long dog walks. 

I have never been so fit!

 It was great fun seeing everyone and they all seemed suitably impressed with what I was doing. At times I do reflect myself and wonder what it is I am actually doing. 

Thankfully the article I had done for Platinum magazine was out so many had seen it and thought it summarized well that I was challenging societies perceptions of what retired pensioners do and look like. I am trying to change the images and narratives surrounding ageing and talking to as many people along the way to find out what they think about ageing and how they would like things to change. Although I was cross they put a headline MASTER OF MY OWN DESTINY Instead of MISTRESS OF MY OWN DESTINY.  Ultimately I am writing a book about my adventures and people I have met along the way and things I have done. I have yet to find a publisher, that is something I need to work on.

I was mainly meeting friends in outside areas at pubs and restaurants and bumping elbows or bums rather than hugging them like I instinctively wanted to do. This was my attempt to keep everyone safe but start to get on with some semblance of life.

I was loving seeing people but I just could not shake this underlying feeling of sadness and anxiety. I wondered if anyone else felt the same. I was somewhat reassured when the response on social media was an overwhelming agreement that people felt anxious and slightly sad and not sure what the future holds for us all. We have to somehow hope that we can relax into a normal, whatever that is, way of life. But so many times I am encountering people in shops and on buses who are not wearing masks or seeing massive groups gathering in pubs and raves etc and it just heightens my anxiety again.

So I was happy to move onto a little site in Cambridgeshire near Nottingham for a couple of nights on my own to regroup. I found I was exhausted with all the anxiety, which is an emotion I do not normally feel. I usually just get on with things and optimistically think it will work out for the best. If it doesn't then I just deal with the fallout and move on. This is all unknown territory for me.

One of my good friends noticed on social media that I was not far from her, just at the time another of our friends was visiting her, so it was great to catchup at a pub in Stilton. 

Where apparently Stilton cheese is not from, much to my surprise. EU rules meant that the traditional blue veined cheese known as Stilton can only come from the English counties of Leicestershire, Derbyshire and Nottinghamshire. The pub we met at in Stilton makes the cheese but it has to call it 'Bells Blue' because of the rules. 

I felt so much better after regrouping and off I went again this time over the Dartford crossing. I love being in the motorhome on the high bridges because I am so much higher up than I was in my car and I can see for miles and it is beautiful, as a consequence I go very slowly to take in the views and I am sure that there are a few disgruntled motorists behind me, but I don't care because I want to take the time to savour the views while I can. 

I based myself at the Caravan and Camping club site in Crowborough, around the corner from where my daughter was staying with her boyfriends family who are always so welcoming to me, they even allowed me to do my washing because most sites facilities are closed because of COVID. And we had a fun night out at the local Italian.

My daughter Sammy joined me for a sleep over with her little dog Frank and it was just so lovely to hang out with her and have a mother daughter natter after so long.

I was thrilled to finally get my hair cut after nearly a year with my lovely hairdresser Richard at the Gallery in Southbrough. But again rather than the relaxing experience I always looked forward to when getting my hair cut, I was so nervous and we had to wear masks and disposable gowns and use disposable towels. Being fair to the salon they did all they could to put me at my ease but I was glad when it was done.

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I used the time back in Kent and Sussex to catch up with more of my former colleagues from South East Today television.  It was lovely being in such familiar territory, having lived in Tunbridge Wells for over twenty years, but I still had this underlying feeling that things were not quite right. 

I went on the bus to the shops with my daughter Sammy and her boyfriend and we all wore masks. 

I could not wait to get off the bus because I was feeling sweaty and anxious. After a few bus rides into town though I did get used to it and scowled under my mask at anyone who was not wearing one. Thankfully I refrained from confronting them but I was not happy.

All this for me just takes the edge off living. I cannot be spontaneous, which is a big part of my character, I know that this is effecting me but I am trying so hard to remain upbeat and optimistic. I know that I am so much luckier that so many other people during this time. 

One of the hardest things I did was catch the train from Tunbridge Wells to Hastings, something I would not have thought twice about before. But I wanted to meet up with a bunch of my girlfriends on the beach to have a good old catchup. something we all needed after lockdown.

It was well worth the train journey we ate and drank and laughed so much ,which is god for the soul and like I always know spending time with good friends and family is what life is all about. It definitely makes me feel far less anxious about what we have ahead of us in life. I am so lucky to be able to get older every day.  I am determined to enjoy my Elderhood and to embrace all the challenges ahead as long as I have family and friends with me on the journey.