WHAT DAY IS IT?
Week six of lockdown and I am struggling to remember which day of the week it is. I am in such a little bubble hiding away from the threat of the Corona virus. One of the things I hate most is the feeling of a sense of loss of control on my life.
I know I have been so lucky to find a great place to park my motorhome and stay put until all this is over. But it also makes me feel incredibly guilty because I feel that I should be getting involved and doing something to help others that are less fortunate than me. But my fear of getting Corona outweighs that and I am hiding away.
When this all started I was overwhelmed with how anxious I felt about it all. I felt powerless and rudderless. I had just got used to life on the road. I was going to feature in two national magazines telling my story of life on the road in my motorhome and about challenging ageism and stereotypes of what a 60 year old retired pensioner looks like and what she would be doing in retirement. My blogs were being widely read and the feedback I was getting was giving me more confidence with what I was doing. Then all of a sudden it has ground to a halt. I can no longer move freely to seek out those adventures and talk to people. I began to second guess what my life was about.
I found myself feeling more and more anxious and jumpy I found it hard to settle and I was not sure what my purpose was any more. And I became very tearful at the least little thing.
It took several weeks for my emotions to settle down. Thankfully I discovered zoom and WhatsApp video calls with friends and family and a great bunch of people on social media whom I connect with. We all shared our doubts and fears and our stories of optimism and what we are doing to get through this. I truly feel a sense of community, which is strange because I am so far away from everyone. But it is great to see how people are so intent on supporting each other and finding the humour in things then spreading that to others so they can feel the joy. It has really restored my faith in human nature at a time when society is being so challenged. I hope that it will make people reflect on what is really important to them. I have gone on for ages to anyone who would listen, that we are getting it so wrong when we put so much emphasis on material things as opposed to relationships with family and friends. People are putting too much energy into work to earn money to buy stuff that they don't really need. All that meant they had far less time to spend with loved ones. I really hope that when we come out of the other side of this things will change for the better and we will cherish family and loved ones and look after each other more.
On the flip side I have been disillusioned with the temperament of some people I have encountered when I have been out on my bike rides. They obviously feel that social distancing is unnecessary and they seem to get a kick out of going up close to you to gauge your reaction. At first I really let this get to me and make me feel angry inside. But now I walk or cycle by and just try not to breath in too much until I am away from them. I have also had so many people telling me which side of a pathway I should be cycling on, I have been told both left and right so I am still confused! but I always try to be polite and allow the walkers and other bikers their space and take the lead from them as to where I should be on the pathway or road. The one time I came crashing off my bike was when I was trying to move away from a man who was blocking the road. I thought I could hop the bike onto a pavement but the bike had other ideas and I came a cropper.
Where I am sited in Lancaster the surrounding countryside is so beautiful and the coast is not too far away as wel,l so I am able to explore on my daily bike rides for exercise. I can feel my stamina increasing and I am feeling healthier. But I have to admit to drinking a lot more during the video calls and natters with my neighbours across the field.
Before all this started I used to regularly get my grey roots coloured at the hairdressers but since lockdown I have watched them growing. For a nanosecond I considered letting them grow and going grey but I just could not do it.
Thankfully when I was packing the motorhome I put two boxes of hair colour in a locker in case of emergencies. Well this is my emergency. I took myself off to the show block on the site and set to colouring it. I was amazed at just how easy it was to do and with the final results. I feel myself becoming a convert to DIY hair dying in the future and it will save me a bob or two. I know it sounds silly but just dying my hair has given me a new lease of life and I feel more energised and positive about things.
I really miss physical contact, I am known for giving hugs and I love to make people feel loved and cared for. So not to be able to physically mix with people is taking its toll on me psychologically. I physically ache for my daughter. I just want to give her the biggest hug and snuggle. I have to stop my mind going there because the not knowing when I can eventually do that makes me feel very depressed and I feel myself going into a dark place. So I just have to try and keep myself occupied and focus on other things.
Helen and Steve, the couple in the motorhome alongside mine, at a distance of course, have been a great support and great company. They know the area far better than me so they took me on a bike ride the other day, at a distance, we cycled into Lancaster then on to Morecambe which was great fun.
A few days later we embarked on another cycle ride to Sunderland Point.
It is only accessible via a narrow road, which crosses a salt marsh and is cut off at high tide. Not far from there we visited. 'Sambo's grave". I have to say I was alarmed when I saw the sign for the grave which is the burial site of a dark-skinned cabin boy or slave, on unconsecrated ground in a field near Sunderland Point , near Overton and Heysham in Lancashire. Sunderland Point was a port, serving cotton, sugar and slave ships from the West Undies and North America. It is a poignant reminder of Lancaster's involvement in the slave trade. It is sad to see but very worth a visit.
I know I have been so lucky to find a great place to park my motorhome and stay put until all this is over. But it also makes me feel incredibly guilty because I feel that I should be getting involved and doing something to help others that are less fortunate than me. But my fear of getting Corona outweighs that and I am hiding away.
When this all started I was overwhelmed with how anxious I felt about it all. I felt powerless and rudderless. I had just got used to life on the road. I was going to feature in two national magazines telling my story of life on the road in my motorhome and about challenging ageism and stereotypes of what a 60 year old retired pensioner looks like and what she would be doing in retirement. My blogs were being widely read and the feedback I was getting was giving me more confidence with what I was doing. Then all of a sudden it has ground to a halt. I can no longer move freely to seek out those adventures and talk to people. I began to second guess what my life was about.
I found myself feeling more and more anxious and jumpy I found it hard to settle and I was not sure what my purpose was any more. And I became very tearful at the least little thing.
It took several weeks for my emotions to settle down. Thankfully I discovered zoom and WhatsApp video calls with friends and family and a great bunch of people on social media whom I connect with. We all shared our doubts and fears and our stories of optimism and what we are doing to get through this. I truly feel a sense of community, which is strange because I am so far away from everyone. But it is great to see how people are so intent on supporting each other and finding the humour in things then spreading that to others so they can feel the joy. It has really restored my faith in human nature at a time when society is being so challenged. I hope that it will make people reflect on what is really important to them. I have gone on for ages to anyone who would listen, that we are getting it so wrong when we put so much emphasis on material things as opposed to relationships with family and friends. People are putting too much energy into work to earn money to buy stuff that they don't really need. All that meant they had far less time to spend with loved ones. I really hope that when we come out of the other side of this things will change for the better and we will cherish family and loved ones and look after each other more.
On the flip side I have been disillusioned with the temperament of some people I have encountered when I have been out on my bike rides. They obviously feel that social distancing is unnecessary and they seem to get a kick out of going up close to you to gauge your reaction. At first I really let this get to me and make me feel angry inside. But now I walk or cycle by and just try not to breath in too much until I am away from them. I have also had so many people telling me which side of a pathway I should be cycling on, I have been told both left and right so I am still confused! but I always try to be polite and allow the walkers and other bikers their space and take the lead from them as to where I should be on the pathway or road. The one time I came crashing off my bike was when I was trying to move away from a man who was blocking the road. I thought I could hop the bike onto a pavement but the bike had other ideas and I came a cropper.
Where I am sited in Lancaster the surrounding countryside is so beautiful and the coast is not too far away as wel,l so I am able to explore on my daily bike rides for exercise. I can feel my stamina increasing and I am feeling healthier. But I have to admit to drinking a lot more during the video calls and natters with my neighbours across the field.
Before all this started I used to regularly get my grey roots coloured at the hairdressers but since lockdown I have watched them growing. For a nanosecond I considered letting them grow and going grey but I just could not do it.
Thankfully when I was packing the motorhome I put two boxes of hair colour in a locker in case of emergencies. Well this is my emergency. I took myself off to the show block on the site and set to colouring it. I was amazed at just how easy it was to do and with the final results. I feel myself becoming a convert to DIY hair dying in the future and it will save me a bob or two. I know it sounds silly but just dying my hair has given me a new lease of life and I feel more energised and positive about things.
I really miss physical contact, I am known for giving hugs and I love to make people feel loved and cared for. So not to be able to physically mix with people is taking its toll on me psychologically. I physically ache for my daughter. I just want to give her the biggest hug and snuggle. I have to stop my mind going there because the not knowing when I can eventually do that makes me feel very depressed and I feel myself going into a dark place. So I just have to try and keep myself occupied and focus on other things.
Helen and Steve, the couple in the motorhome alongside mine, at a distance of course, have been a great support and great company. They know the area far better than me so they took me on a bike ride the other day, at a distance, we cycled into Lancaster then on to Morecambe which was great fun.
A few days later we embarked on another cycle ride to Sunderland Point.
It is only accessible via a narrow road, which crosses a salt marsh and is cut off at high tide. Not far from there we visited. 'Sambo's grave". I have to say I was alarmed when I saw the sign for the grave which is the burial site of a dark-skinned cabin boy or slave, on unconsecrated ground in a field near Sunderland Point , near Overton and Heysham in Lancashire. Sunderland Point was a port, serving cotton, sugar and slave ships from the West Undies and North America. It is a poignant reminder of Lancaster's involvement in the slave trade. It is sad to see but very worth a visit.
I found the blog thankyou lots of honest reflection and I recognise the comfort of strangers...ie the twitter group ehi become supporters and cheer us all on!
ReplyDeleteOh Wow! I have only just discovered your blog and this is the first post I have read. I feel we share the same values. I retired at 55 and approach the fabulous age of 60 next month. I agree these are THE best years of our life. I truly admire what you are doing. I agree about people coming close to you to gauge your reaction and I too try not to breathe! I love your freedom even though it feels restricted a little during lockdown. I'm off to read some more of your fabulous content.
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