THERE WAS JUST SOMETHING MISSING!!!

Sometimes life has a way of giving you a reality check.

Six months ago I retired and bought my motorhome and just over three months ago I set off travelling around Great Britain with such confidence. I wanted to challenge the stereotypes of retired pensioners and seek out places I had never known about.  I wanted to inspire and motivate older women to live their lives to the fullest. All the time in the background I had a wonderful man supporting my adventures. He has a few more years before he retires so he met up with me every couple of weeks on my journey. I felt so happy and complete. I really believed I had met someone who would be my soul mate and we would grow old together.

I had been on my own for nearly eighteen years, bringing my daughter up as a single mother as I worked at the BBC. Then out of the blue twenty months ago I met a fella at a friends 30th wedding anniversary party and we just seemed to hit it off. The moment I met him I told him about my plans for Shuvonshuvoff so I was very wary about letting my guard down and being in a relationship. He too was not eager to get involved after just coming out of a long relationship. But we did end up being a couple for nearly two years and I eventually let myself fall in love with him.

Well just before Christmas he told me that I was an amazing person, great fun etc all the usual, but for him there was just something missing and he did not love me. He still wanted us to do Christmas and New year together. I was heartbroken and said I did not want to be with a man who did not love me. I was angry that at sixty I was feeling this loss so deeply. If anyone had told me when I was a lot younger I would still be having my heart broken at sixty I would have said there was no way I would let that happen. But it is what it is! I packed my thing and made lots of stinging comments to him (most of which I didn't really mean but I wanted him to hurt too) and I left for my daughters. I don't have a bad word to say about him, it is not his fault he did not feel the same as me but it completely floored me and I was not able to even think about doing my blogs. We had just spent a fab weekend in Dublin and I was so happy, now my world had come crashing down.

I got through Christmas with my daughter and her boyfriend and his family, fuelled mainly by gin. It was so good of them to take me in and put up with my crying over the festive period.

I then took myself off in the motorhome and hid away unable to eat and constantly crying and reliving every minute of our relationship. I sobbed my way into the New Year, and managed to down a whole bottle of champagne, so that probably added to the tears. I went for long walks and gradually cleared my head.

I started losing confidence about what I was doing. Thinking "what are you hoping to achieve by travelling around all of a sudden with no sense of purpose". I even mourned my old job at the BBC. But I know I was so ready to retire when I did do. I just needed to re-establish my sense of identity that I felt I was losing.

I have had to take a long hard look at myself and refocus. I went to stay near my sister in Lancaster and we spent a couple of days talking, laughing,drinking and walking by the sea with our sister-in-law. Which are my favourite things to do.

I felt stronger every day and now I know that I will be ok even if it takes time. I am loving my midlife travelling and meeting people and finding new places and I am not going to stop.

The reality is that I am a retired pensioner who is newly single and ready to mingle, with a thirst for life and all its adventures. I do not need a man to complete me and make me happy. For years before this I was so content with my family and friends. I just need to get myself back to that place again.

I have asked myself what is it in me that no man has been able to fall in love with me, all my ex boyfriends since I was a teenager have said how amazing I am and what fun I am etc but then go on to marry the woman they meet AFTER ME, but I cannot come up with an answer. One thing I do know is that I like me and I like being kind and loving and if that is not enough of a challenge for a man then it is their loss. It seems the crazier a woman is with a man the more he loves her. But I want happiness, caring and sharing. Not conflict.

I reflected on whether to write this blog or not. But I need to do it to help me move forward and get on a positive wavelength.

And as if to mark that I am turning a corner I was contacted by a National magazine today who want to do an article on what I am doing. And a regional BBC news Programme where I worked as a reporter called me up and asked me to make a short video to send to them for part of a piece on motorhome living. So it is now onwards and upwards.

I am in the Lake District now and taking long walks in the mist and rain and loving every minute of it. So regular blogging will resume and I thank you for reading my ramblings.

Retirement certainly has its ups and downs.